When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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