Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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