We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You left your phone here
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