my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
