So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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