Fine. I'll sleep in my office
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
