Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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