dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
