I need to stop coming to work sober
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
