weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm both gender and math confused
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