I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
