He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
