I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
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