I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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