I feel like I'm in dance class right now
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
