Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
