My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
