Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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