You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
