Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Randomize
