So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
