Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
