Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
