I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
