Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
found the other keg... it's in the tree
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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