apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
