come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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