did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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