Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
