I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
