he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
