had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
