Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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