her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
