the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
