Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
