If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
