good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
