do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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