I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He better not be in your backpack
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
