i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
