Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
