I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
