Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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