i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
This house was built for laser tag.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
