I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
