I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
