He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
