im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
