Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize