i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
