Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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