this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I cut my penus on the lid.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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