I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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