bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
