it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
