Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
this just has baby written all over it
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
