I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
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