I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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